Well gorblimey eh?

3rd August 2008



So right Michael Vaughan captain of England cricket (Test matches only) has resigned. And the lovely Paul Collingwood captain of England cricket (one-day matches) has resigned too.

Now as far as Michael Vaughan is concerned this has been coming for a while like a very slow train yeah because Michael has been getting ratty with journalists and has generally not been at his best for some time. Most important he has been getting himself out for very very few runs which is not what is expected of the England captain and like supposedly premier batsman. He is famous for his clever field placings but in this last series against S Africa he has just been moving the fielders about as if he was a hyperactive kid trying to play chess yeah to the point that he has broken records for it and questions have been asked about his state of mind lol.

So all in all the writing has like been on the wall for our Michael although his great insurance policy has been that there hasn’t been anyone else about who could like obviously do the job.

We should not forget though that back in the day when Michael still had a full head of hair he was a popular and admired captain and led his side to heroic and historic victory in The Ashes over the Australians hooray and hoorah helped by a luckily placed ball which demon Aussie bowler Glenn McGrath tripped over in a training session lol conveniently putting himself out of the series.

While Michael has been getting large amounts of like blogger abuse and journalistic snidieness for taking up space in the Test side and then not actually playing cricket lol sad to say his bestie mate the rather ginger Paul C has been playing even worse.


The lovely Colly who is famous for his salmon-like leaps to take amazing catches and his gritty northerner style of batting has also like appeared to lose the plot. We have to say Paul well and truly fucked up earlier this year while captaining a one-day match against New Zealand in a whole situation which would take too long to explain but he basically made a really really bad decision and everybody at home and abroad was like “Colly! No!” and he had to apologise.

So cries of “Sack them!” have been like resounding through cyberspace and journalists have been writing stuff like “questions will be hanging over his future” about them both.

Anyway in the last Test against S Africa old Colly suddenly remembered how to do it yeah and hit 135 cracking runs and everyone jumped up and down and all the Saffers shook his hand. It was great and truly historic and like that poem Mr Fielding made us do about even the ranks of Tuscany could scarce forbear to cheer. But it seems it was too late yeah for the lovely Paul had already decided that his previous poor form was the result of him being the captain of the one-day side and he would rather stop doing it thanks all the same.

And hey what a coincidence today Michael Vaughan said the same sort of thing and he got a bit tearful in a David Beckham kind of way about what a strain it has all been lately and how he hasn’t been himself right so my guess is he has been really nasty to his wife and divorce is threatened.

So yeah did they jump or were they pushed? Well anyone who wants to discuss this will find many blogs all buzzing away not least because the likely successor is Kevin Pietersen who is a brilliant batsman but also a prat. Think Paul Gascoigne but without the alcohol and with a South African accent right it’s scarey no?

But be reassured these two heroes have not given up the game and are still hoping to be selected for England in the future though we have to say in Michael’s case it may take a while. Colly should still be all right for the one-day side but his Test place is as they say by no means assured.

My personal view if anybody asks is that they will give the captaincy to pratty Kev and it will all go extremely pear-shaped and total chaos will occur. The very famous blogger MouthoftheMersey disagrees though and thinks the Kevster will come good.

We shall see.

More tomorrow when the new captain or captains will be announced by some bloke in a suit.